Freely Given vs. Given Freely

Have you ever found yourself in a situation or looking back on one where you may have given freely...of your time, your emotions, or even vulnerability but...it didn't feel that it was freely given?

Let me break it down in a different way...

...have you ever poured your heart out to, or gone out of your way for someone, perhaps a crush or a new boyfriend/girlfriend but it felt more like it was given without really earning it?  

Now hear me out...

because I am not saying or suggesting that love should be earned...because it shouldn’t be a give-to-get scenario at all...

however...especially in our societal dating culture today...I have found it to be very common that women (including myself) who were created with an infinite amount of love to give, that sometimes we slip into giving our love freely rather than selectively choosing who we should freely give it too. 

I recently started working with a coaching program and it has begun some really monumental self study work and has been uncovering beliefs and reoccurring patterns that have shown up in my life over the years. It's amazing the insights you can get when you start to shift your perspective and see things differently.

It's been less than 2 full weeks and I already feel like I've accomplished 3 years worth of therapy LOL. 

It has helped me start to identify some of the patterns that keep popping up in my life and one of them has been around relationships & love.

I was always quite shy growing up. Felt like an awkward teenager just wanting to "fit in" with the "cool girls". I remember wanting to be like them because they seemed perfect, confident, happy. I remember feeling like "I'm too____", "if I could just be more like____ " or "if only I looked like____ then I will be popular and people will like me"

...lets face it...

we've probably all had thoughts like these growing up...or if not, we know someone who has! In fact I recently reconnected with and have become good friends with one of the "popular" girls I use to look up to in high school for having it “all together”...

and guess what!....she too has had those same and similar thoughts too! - Phew...I'm not alone!

Sometimes we are able to naturally grow out of them, but other times those beliefs get solidified and shown to be true over time through the lens of negativity, sour situations or self-doubt.

As a young adult these beliefs were like weeds that never got removed and were starting to choke out the healthy beliefs and self worth I had for myself.

There were (many) situations and relationships where I gave freely of my love, time, energy to others who did not cherish or value it. 

Why? 

A couple weeks ago I probably would have answered by saying something like...

"I don't know, I just seem to keep falling for the wrong guys"

But with some shifting of perspectives and diving a little deeper into self discovery and identifying patterns I realize that it's actually less about falling for the wrong ones and more about not being open to the right ones. 

The problem that usually occurs when we give freely is that there is no appreciation or value of the thing that is being given. 

Let's get REAL here for a minute.....

Let's say you get vulnerable with or give of yourself intimately or otherwise to someone...

Someone who has expressed zero commitment to you, made zero effort, who has talked the talk but their actions speak differently, who makes excuses for lack of communication and hasn’t shown the desire or willingness to cross the city for you let alone oceans to be with you.... (sound familiar?)

...whatever you are giving of yourself to that person, you are giving freely to someone who frankly doesn't deserve it or value you in the way you deserve. 

It might start out feeling like it’s being received with value but you find there is an emptiness there and you feel that little sense that something just isn't sitting right in your heart.

As someone who was definitely and specifically wired in a way to naturally love deeply, unconditionally and infinitely....believe me when I say I have walked this out before (a few times!)...so I know what I'm talking about here.

...and I am here to tell you.....You are worth MORE. 

Way more. 

Ladies, your value is far higher than the bar you/we have set and the things we've accepted at that level...

...it's time to raise the bar.